Why Lycans Should Not Host Television Shows
by NightSlash
Summary: Rated R for profanity. Lucian gets his own television show where people send in letters, and Kraven's the cameraman. Let the insanity commence.
1. Failed Marriage Proposals

Ok, I do not own Underworld or any of the characters involved, or any crossover characters that might end up in this. This is a similar idea to the Ask Lucian story I came up with, the only difference is now it's a show, and it's a very insane and somewhat stupid humor story. Here's a small list of who's who.

Lucian: The Host

Kraven: Cameraman

Raze and Michael: Secutrity Guards

Selene: Ass Kicker of Cameraman

Ok, here's the first part.

***

Lucian sits at a desk in a somewhat large room, wearing his normal clothes.

****

**_Lucian_**_: _Hi. I'm Lucian.__

Kraven suddenly pokes his head in from offscreen.

**_Kraven_**_: _And I'm your camerman

**_Lucian_**_: _Kraven just shut up and film.__

Kraven just mutters something under his breath and disappears again.

**_Lucian_**_: _Idiot. Well anyway, let's take a look at some letters.__

Raze, who is one of the security guards, comes in with a bigass bag of letters and sets them down next to the desk. Lucian opens one.

_Dear Lucian,_

_I think you're cool._

_Signed,_

_Amanda_

_P.S.___

_Can you tell Michael that I want to marry him?_

**_Lucian_**_: _Oh, thank you, and as for the other part...ummmm...__

**_Voice O.S.:_**HEY!__

Selene comes out.

**_Selene_**_: _Let me see that letter.__

**_Lucian_**_: _I don't think you should...__

Selene jumps on him and knocks him to the ground, finally grabbing the letter and running off with it. Lucian gets up, a little messed up looking. 

**_Kraven_**_: _HAHA!__

**_Lucian_:...**Selene?__

Selene walks back in, punches Kraven in the face, and walks out.

**_Lucian_**_: _Thank you. Alright; next letter.__

_Dear Lucian,_

_Are you fucking retarded!? I mean COME ON! How could you not tell Kraven was going to double-cross you!? Are you THAT stupid? Oh, and Kraven, don't take his bullshit; you're way cooler than he is._

_Signed,_

_someguy___

_P.S.___

_Lucian, I will give you credit for Sonja; I'd hit that **twice**! Oooohhh YEAH!_

**_Lucian_**:…

**_Kraven_**: ^_^

**_Lucian_**:…Well, 'someguy', the truth is if you ever touched Sonja, I would-(_what follows is in an unknown language that Lucian just starts yelling out that no one in the room understands, but some words, such as 'ribcage', 'spinal cord' and 'skull fucker', can be heard in English. Finally he stops_)-Oh, and Kraven is not cooler than me.

****

**_Kraven_**: Yes I am.

**_Lucian_**: Selene?

Selene comes out and kicks Kraven's ass. She then leaves after smiling at Lucian. Kraven gets up, groaning in pain. Lucian pulls out another letter.

_Dear Lucian,_

_I love you. Will you marry me?_

_Signed,_

_Your future wife_

**_Lucian_**:…ummmm.

Sonja comes out and walks up to the desk Lucian is at.

**_Sonja_**: Can I see that?

But Lucian knows what she is planning to do, and the last thing his show needs is to risk getting another lawsuit for assault.

**_Lucian_**: Ummm, sorry, but I don't think…

Sonja tackles Lucian to the floor. After a moment they both get up, Sonja has the letter and Lucian…has a black eye.

**_Kraven_**: **BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!**

**_Sonja_**: (Notices what she did to Lucian) Oh my god. Aww, baby (_instantly forgets about the letter and kisses where she punched him as she hugs him_) I'm sorry. 

Lucian looks like he's about to start yelling, but he just lets Sonja continue what she was doing. Kraven, meanwhile, is now rolling around on the floor laughing his ass off, as is Soren, who has been watching with Raze and Michael, who are both snickering. After a while he has Sonja get off him and step offstage, after giving her a quick kiss. Kraven then stops laughing, and suddenly looks pissed.

**_Kraven: _**This is BULLSHIT! No one ever asks ME to marry them!

**_Lucian:… _**

**_Kraven: _**WHAT!?

**_Lucian: _** Nothing; it's just…it's you.

**_Kraven: _**You'd think the person writing this would cut me some slack; jackass.

Suddenly, a large shape that we see is actually a snake with tentacles, made out of black smoke, with a human skull with fangs for a head and green fire in the eye sockets, slithers out of nowhere and moves up to Kraven.

**_Kraven: _**What the hell is that?

**_Lucian: _**That's the author.

_(Author's Note: Yes, boys and girls, the snake/ghost rider/smoke thing with tentacles is NightSlash, the author, and yes, I am bizarre; I know.)_

**_NightSlash_****_: _**Hold on.

Before Kraven can do anything, NightSlash shoves one of the tentacles into Kraven, causing black electric liquid AKA the Agent Smith taking over virus stuff, to spread across Kraven. When it disappears, he's wearing a costume of a drunken chicken with a big bottle stuck in the beak part. NightSlash then takes out a camera and takes a picture.

**_NightSlash_****_: _**Thank you.

He leaves, and Kraven rips the suit off and starts yelling in some unknown language.

**_Lucian: _**Kraven, SHUT UP!!

Kraven does so, but he still mumbles under his breath.

**_Lucian_**: Thank you. Ok, let's read the last letter. 

_Dear Daddy,_

_Why did you let me die?_

_Signed,_

_Your unborn child_

Everyone's jaws are on the ground. Lucian looks like he's about to have a nervous breakdown.

**_Lucian:…_**I…um…I…uh…(_pauses, and then starts to cry_) OH GOD, IT'S TRUE! I'M A HORRIBLE FATHER! (_Continues to cry, and then stops when he takes a closer look at the letter_) Wait a minute. **KRAVEN!!! YOU BASTARD!! THIS IS _YOUR HANDWRITING!!_**

**_Kraven_**: Uhhh…what? I…ummm…oh shit.

Lucian rips off his coat and shirt as he changes into full hybrid mode and leaps towards Kraven. Kraven, in turn, jumps back and then changes into _his hybrid form._

**_Everyone_**: O_O

**_Lucian_**: What the…!?

**_Kraven_**: Ah yes. You remember that party we had a few weeks ago?  (Lucian nods) Well, after most of us passed out, except for me, I didn't drink much. Well, Sonja and I hit it off a little, and she bit me. And since she's a hybrid…

**_Lucian_**: …wait. So you're saying that you took advantage of Sonja, while she was drunk at that party.

Kraven nods. Raze sighs and reaches over and pulls out a large see-through plastic shield thingy.

**_Michael_**: What's that for?

**_Raze_**: I don't want blood getting on my coat.

**_Michael_**: Ah.

What happens next…well Kraven's not going to be able to walk for a LOOOOOOOOOOONG time by the time Lucian is done with him.

More to Come.


	2. Mr Zoo

Ok, here's the next part. Also, the guest on here is a character from the video game Grand Theft Auto: Vice City, which I don't own either. If you've never played that game, good, you'll find it funnier.

***

Lucian sits at his desk, and he has small traces of the black eye from the last show. Sonja is sitting next to him, trying to get him to look at her so she can look at the black eye. After a moment he gives her a quick peck on the lips and tells her to leave. She kisses him back and quickly leaves. 

**_Lucian:_** Ok, first letter.

_Dear Lucian,_

_Dude, Sonja's got you whipped like the family pig._

_Signed,_

_Dude_

**_Lucian:_** …I'm not stupid. I know that's you…Viktor

Viktor walks in from offstage.

**_Viktor:_** WHAT!? I would not waste my time writing such pathetic dribble! (_Snatches letter and quickly reads it. Raises an eyebrow) _Ok, it was me. (_Hands the letter back and walks offstage again)_

**_Lucian:_** …ummm, ok. Next letter.

_Dear Lucian,_

_YOU SUCK! YOU DIDN'T EVEN KILL ANYBODY IN THE MOVIE! I THOUGHT YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE A FEARED WEREWOLF LEADER, NOT A LITTLE GIRLY, UNDERPANTSY, PINK DOILY, TEA PARTY PERSON!_

_Signed,_

_Homer Simpson_

**_Lucian:_** …

**_Kraven: _**DAMN! You just got told by a cartoon character! 

**_Lucian: _**Selene?

Selene comes out and walks up to Kraven.

**_Kraven: _**HEY! Stand back! (_Changes into hybrid form_) Or else I'll…

Selene tackles him and a scuffle ensues. Then, they both stand up. As Selene does…her death dealer outfit suddenly falls off.

**_Everyone: _**O_O

Lucian covers his eyes and doesn't look, since Sonja would probably make him sleep on the couch for a week.

**_Viktor: _**(_Offscreen__. Leans over to Michael_) I told you she had him whipped.

**_Lucian: _**FUCK OFF VIKTOR!!

Selene just looks at Kraven as she quickly reaches down and grabs her outfit before pulling it up, covering herself. Then…

**_Kraven: _**…Nice.

Selene tackles him again and we hear the sounds of her pounding the living shit out of him. After a moment she stands up, wiping the blood off her knuckles before walking offstage. She grabs Michael and drags him away also. Raze glances at Viktor, who shrugs.

**_Kraven: _**Is it just me, or whenever she beats someone up she gets incredibly horny?

**_Everyone: _**She gets horny.

**_Lucian: _**Ok, enough with that. And that letter isn't even worth my respond to respond to.

_Dear Lucian, _

_This is the IRS! Pay your taxes or we send Anonymous after you!_

_Signed, _

_IRS_

**_Lucian: _**O_O …OK, HERE! TAKE IT!!

_Dear Lucian,_

_Well, this letter isn't really to you. It's to Viktor. Viktor, I LOVE YOU! I constantly fantasize about you and me making sweet, sweet love. Will you marry me and fulfill my dreams?_

_Signed,_

_Amy_

**_Viktor:_** …oh my.

**_Kraven: _**Oh, so now VIKTOR'S become more popular than me. THIS IS BULLSHIT!!!

**_Lucian: _**It's because you shot me in the back, and all the girls hated you for that. (_Looks at the screen and smirks) _And yes, I am WELL aware of my sex symbol status.

Raze just raises an eyebrow, while Viktor and Kraven stare at Lucian as if he's turned into a three headed turtle carrying the moon on its back.

**_Lucian: _**What?

**_Kraven: _**…it's just…you think you're a sex symbol?

**_Lucian: _**Hey! A lot of people think so anyway. Besides, I'm more of one than either you or Viktor are. 

**_Viktor: _**(_Rolls eyes_) well anyway, as for the proposal…

**_Lucian: _**NO! You can write her back on your own damn time! Not here! Now, we have a guest tonight. He knows a lot about animals, and other things. Please welcome (_reads from card_) Mr. Zoo.

A man wearing Crocodile Dundee type clothing comes out and sits down. 

**_Lucian: _**Now, before I begin my interview with you, let's take some phone calls. (_Pushes a button on his desk_) Ok, first caller, you're on the air.

**_Caller: _**Is that Mr. Zoo?

**_Mr. Zoo: _**Of course it is.

**_Caller: _**And you're in L.A.?

**_Mr. Zoo: _**Yes.

**_Caller: _**What are you doing here?

**_Mr. Zoo: _**Promoting animals.

**_Caller: _**Don't you remember the court case?

**_Mr. Zoo: _**Get lost! Lucian, next caller!

**_Lucian: _**Okay. (_Pushes the button again)_ Line two, you're on the air.

**_Caller: _**Don't hang up on me! You're meant to be in a hospital you sicko!

****

**_Mr. Zoo: _**Easy there mate. Hospitals are for people who don't feel well. I'm at the top of my game.

****

**_Caller: _**Are you insane? Don't answer that. I know the answer. You're sick and insane and you need help.

****

**_Mr. Zoo: _**I've got a Visa mate, I've got a Visa. You can't touch me. I love animals. Leave me the hell alone, or I'll come by the aquarium and feed you to the bloody sharks you no good by the book paper pushing murderer! Bobo would have lived if you'd let me in the tank. I could have cheered him up. Stay away from me y'here!? No more callers, okay Lucian?

**_Lucian: _**Okay, but what was that about the aquarium?

**_Mr. Zoo: _**Nothing, all in the past; long time ago. I was tricked into saying something I regretted.

**_Lucian: _**What?

**_Mr. Zoo: _**Nothing! Just drop it, please.

**_Lucian: _**No, just say it!

**_Mr. Zoo: _**…(_Cries) _I love youuuuuuu.

**_Lucian: _**…ummmmm….yeah

**_Mr. Zoo: _**Not you, idiot. I hate you! They made me say 'I love you' to Bobo!

**_Lucian: _**Who's Bobo

**_Mr. Zoo: _**Bobo was the most beautiful creature, really beautiful. 

**_Lucian: _**Who is she?

**_Mr. Zoo: _**He, he, HE!

**_Lucian: _**Okay, okay! He!

**_Mr. Zoo: _**He was a dolphin. And I loved him. And I knew him properly. Those people could never understand. It's natural. We were identical, from a genetic perspective. And Bobo was really unhappy. Putting on a show every day like a circus animal. They thought they caught me doing something, but they never did. We were only cuddling. How can people take that the wrong way? They…they took me away and they locked me up. And Bobo died of a broken heart.

****

**_Lucian_**: He did? That sucks.

**_Kraven: _**Wait, is he saying what I THINK he's saying!?

Lucian looks at Kraven, and then his eyes widen in horror as he realizes what Kraven means.

**_Lucian: _**HOLY SHIT! YOU SICK BASTARD! SECURITY!

**_Mr. Zoo_**: I loved him more then you could imagine!

**_Kraven: _**Call the police! This guy's a sick animal molester!

**_Mr. Zoo_**: I only wanted to be loved. Properly mind and he's gone.

Suddenly, two doctors walk in from offstage.

**_Doc: _**Pat, it's Dr. Phillips!

**_Mr. Zoo_**: Stay away from me!

**_Doc:_** Pat, you've been a very bad boy! Come on; we're going home now Pat!

****

**_Mr. Zoo:_** Stay away from me! I've got a poisonous lizard in my boot! He'll kill ya in two seconds!

**_Second Doctor:_** Pat, please! We've been through this, you're not well! Bobo is dead! It's time to get back on the medication and start piecing your life back together, while locked up in a padded cell for a very long time, or until you die!

**_Mr. Zoo:_** Is it that time again Doc?

**_Doc: _**Yes Pat, it is. C'mon. Put on the straight jacket. Look, it's even got your initials on it. (_They help him into a straight jacket)_ And swallow this.

The doctor gives Mr. Zoo a red pill, who swallows it with a glass of water.

**_Mr. Zoo:_** Oh thanks Doc. Did I tell ya I love animals and they love me? I got a message. Look for a wipe the china hand... (_He collapses to the floor)_

**_Second Doctor: _** I'm really sorry about that. Pat is a very, very sick man. We rarely let the dangerously ill out of the asylum. And when we do, it's not always fatal.

**_Lucian: _** Okay, great.

**_Doctor:_** Get this crack head out of here! Sorry to be a bother.

**_Lucian: _**Umm, no bother. (_The doctors exit with Mr. Zoo) _Ok, whose idea was it to bring that person on the show!?

**_Kraven: _**I think it was yours.

**_Lucian: _**Really? Huh. I better research these people before bringing them on. Ok, that's all the time for today.

More to Come.


End file.
